Near Dark (1987) Review

I'm not going to try and keep it a secret--I'm in LOVE with the acting stylings of Lance Henriksen. So much so, I might even eventually see Pirates of Treasure Island! But that is neither here nor there, as I am now reviewing a film that is no doubt 56 trillion times better--the '80s classic Near Dark from director Kathryn Bigelow, who you might know as the mind behind such feats as the Keanu Reeves adrenaline-kicker Point Break and one of the few films with the honor of having Harrison Ford with a Russian accent, K-19: The Widowmaker. Needless to say, one of the few, the proud, the really talented female directors (let the hate mail flow!).

Anywho, Near Dark's plot is really quite simple. Boy meets girl, boy takes girl out, boy gets bitten by girl, boy becomes vampire. That's the set-up, and more-or-less the plot as well. After the farm boy Caleb (played by square-jawed Adrian Pasdar) gets hot and horny for stranger-girl-seductively-eating-ice-cream-on-a-street-corner Mae (played by babe-a-licious Jenny Wright, whose first on-screen credit was as an Americnan Groupie in Pink Floyd the Wall) and takes her out into the night in his hick truck, he is bitten by her fine vampire lips and finds out the hard way that it's a bitch to be a vampire in Texas, upon which time he is picked up by a band of evil vampires headed by Jesse Hooker (the one, the only, Lance Henriksen!). The less-than-welcoming group take in Caleb on the condition that he has to kill for himself, while Caleb's father (Tim Thomerson) tries to track down his son, unknowing of his devilish new existence.

Sound kickass? If so, that's because it is! Bill Paxton as the most sadistic of the group, Severen, packs a punch (and a kick!), most notably in a bar massacre halfway through the flick that should rightly go down as one of the best scenes in film history, and in the very hot conclusion in which he shows his ability to be really fucking intense. Homer, presumably the oldest of the vampires, played by then-child actor Jochua Miller (who can be seen in Halloween III: Season of the Witch as Willie Challis and will appear in the upcoming film The Wizard of Gore, a movie I can't wait to see) is a child vampire who appears to enjoy grabbing new acquantences by the balls--though it is later found that he isn't gay, just a pedophile. Lance--er, I mean Jesse's partner, the vampiress Diamondback, played by Jenette Goldstein, is the single one of the vampire gang I didn't really care too much about. She was really just there to be Jesse Hooker's babe--though she does fill that role plenty well, she ends up simply as an extension of Lance. And I think I may have just made a penis joke. I'm not sure, but that means I need to get on with the rest of the review.

The best part of the film to me, obviously, is LANCE HENRIKSEN. If there wasn't already a great site about him, I'd surely make one myself. In fact, this is where one of my only two problems with this movie come in: NOT ENOUGH LANCE!!! I wanted so much more of his kickass character, but the film focused more the much duller character of Caleb. The other problem is the ending. Not only do Jesse Hooker and Diamondback get the raw end of the style stick (I just made up a new phrase! Worship me!) at the end, but the way that Caleb ends up dealing with his vampirism is a blatant cop-out that made me wonder WHY there are ANY vampires in the world. Besides these two rather trifling matters though, everything is nice and jolly with this fantastic vampire film that ranks up there with the likes of The Lost Boys and Salem's Lot, though--with the exception of some intense moments from Bill Paxton and his blood-sucking fellows--it contains far less eerie or frightening moments, and remains more of a dramatic thriller (with vampires) then the later.

So, to wrap this up: if you haven't seen Near Dark, then WHY ARE YOU READING THIS SHIT?! GO OUT AND GET IT!!!

Directing: 9/10
Script: 8/10
Story: 8/10
Acting: 9/10
Scare Factor: 5/10
Lance Henriksen Bonus: 5

FINAL SCORE: 44/50

Unpleasant Tidbit: Lance was the voice of the Stranger in the recent shit-tastic remake of When a Stranger Calls. The man who actually played the Stranger in said shit-tastic remake was Tommy Flanagan, who co-starred with Lance in another shit-tastic "film", Alien vs Predator.