A Nightmare on Elm Street *Special* Review

On Wednesday I went and did something I never thought I would get the chance to--I saw A Nightmare on Elm Street on the big screen. Ooooh, the wondrous wonder of it all!! To sit in a large, smelly room with a guy in front of you dressed as Freddy Krueger, eating milk duds and watching '80s cheese--goodness, I almost had a bloody orgasm (picture that next time your eating). However, despite the massive amount of fun I had, I must admit that the classic Wes Craven horror fest has not aged well.

***WARNING: SPOILERS HERE-IN***

Where to start? How about the acting! Despite the technology used to clean up the picture and sound of the film, those high-up technicians just can't help the '80s acting. I'm not afraid to say it either, Heather Langenkamp was not a good actress, neither was Ronee Blakley, and Robert Englund, while being pure brilliance in most of the sequels, wasn't very good in this film. When Nancy sets out the traps and he's chasing after her like a 1984 Ghostface, he is just way too stupid to be a frightening killer. However, all this can be put to the side, since as I already said, it's 80s cheese, a genre all it's own.

The movie itself strays into plain old stupid moments, most notably the "hall pass" scene and Tina's body being dragged down the hallway, and that stupid cop who only starts thinking he should go get Nancy's dad after she's broken windows, set fires, and screamed her fucking lungs out. Of course, these things are easily excused as well, simply for the laugh factor of it all. Some other things that annoyed me while keeping me in bizarrely high spirits included Freddy's badly-done super-long arms and the brief use of a midget double that chases Tina--oh, and need I mention Nancy's mom being, uh, taken by her bed?

Of course, these things don't take away from Tina's famous death scene (later ressurected for the less-than-lucky but sadly lovable baby sitter in New Nightmare) or any of the other deaths for that matter, which have made even the worst of the series watchable (well, maybe not Freddy's Revenge, but gimme a break!). The score by Charles Bernstein is also a masterpiece that will live forever, especially in the minds of horror fanatics like myself.

A note on the presentation of the new theatrical release of Nightmare: the montage of Freddy's best kills that was promised? How about EVERY SINGLE FUCKING KILL THROUGH FREDDY VS JASON?! How does THAT rock your boat, MOTHERFUCKER?! Oh yeah, that was some gooooood stuff. Several people, including my good friend Charlie (who is one of the few to agree with me that Lady in the Water kicked ass), who just happened to be there as well, were overly enthusiastic about that little bonus. I couldn't help but throw my fist in the air several times, most notably for the kills from Dream Warriors, and make snide comments about several others that are blurry to me now. But, yeah, just to let you know that if you didn't go, you missed right the hell out!

Anywho, what with Johnny Depp in his first freakin' movie being finely blended into a nice cherry-strawberry smoothie and Robert Englund creating one of the most iconic screen villains of all time, I think I can safely say that A Nightmare on Elm Street remains a great, awesomely cheesy '80s flick that is sure to still scare the old-timers and chicks. No offense, ladies, but you scream too goddamn much.

Directing: 9/10
Script: 8/10
Story: 8/10
Acting: 6/10
Scare Factor: 7/10
'80s Cheese Bonus: 5

FINAL SCORE: 43/50

Unpleasant Tidbit: I like this movie way more than it would seem. Note the orgasm comment.